Is Flirting a Question of Morality?

“Sex is a natural part of human life for which we have very strong drivers. In stories it both provides an echo of our experiences and plays directly to our desires and fantasies. In tales of morality, those who transgress social morals, such as rakes, seductresses and lechers may well be punished for their sins. In other tales, they may be objects of fantasy who play out our secret desires and allow for vicarious pleasures” (Flirting; Psychology Today)

Now, is flirting here a question of morality. To attend to the question, we must first clearly define the terms involve – flirting and morality.

What is morality? From the Latin moralitas “manner, character, proper behavior”, morality is the differentiation of intentions, decisions and actions between those that are good (or right) and those that are bad (or wrong). The term morality can be used descriptively or normatively: descriptively, to refer to some codes of conduct put forward by a society or some other group, such as religion or accepted by an individual for an own behavior; normatively, to refer to a code of conduct that, given specified conditions, would be put forward by all rational persons. Morality when used in descriptive sense has an essential feature that “morality” in the normative sense does not have, namely, that it refers to codes of conduct that are actually put forward and accepted by some society, group, or individual. If one is not a member of that society or group, and is not that individual, by then accepting a descriptive definition of morality has no implications for how one should behave. If one accepts a moral theory’s account of rational persons and the specifications of the conditions under which all rational persons would endorse a code of conduct as a moral code, then one accepts that moral theory’s normative definition of “morality”. Accepting a normative definition of “morality” commits a person to regarding some behavior as immoral, perhaps even behavior that one is tempted to perform. (Morality; Standford.edu)

            At this time, let us define what flirting is. Flirting can be in itself considered flirting when it suffices the following conditions. First, the flirter should act with the intention to do things which are disposed to raise flirter-flirtee romance and/or sex to salience for the flirtee, in a knowing yet playful manner. Second, he or she should believe that the flirtee can respond in some significant way. We note here the intention and manner of flirting and the significant response of the flirter as well (Jenkins, 2010; pp.18).

            Further, it is said that flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising: if we did not initiate contact and express interest in members of the opposite sec, we would not progress to reproduction, and the human species would become extinct. According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilization as we know it. They argue that the large human brain – our superior intelligence, complex language, everything that distinguishes us from animals – is the equivalent of the peacock’s tail, a courtship device evolved to attract and retain sexual partners (Fox, 2011; pp. 1). Thus, we can now see here that flirting becomes instinctive.

            How can we now say that flirting is in itself a question of morality? The questions now forego the list. Do we properly behave when we flirt? Is it right to act flirtatiously? Do I become immoral when I flirt with someone else?

            Like every other human activity, flirting is governed by a complex set of unwritten laws of etiquette. These rules dictate where, when, with whom and in what manner we flirt. We generally obey these unofficial laws instinctively, without being conscious of doing so.

            We only become aware of the rules when someone commits a breach of this etiquette – by flirting with the wrong person, perhaps, or at an inappropriate time or place. Chatting up a widow at her husband’s funeral, for example, would at the very least incur disapproval, if not serious distress or anger. This is a very obvious example, but the more complex and subtle aspects of flirting etiquette can be confusing – and most of us have made a few embarrassing mistakes (Fox, 2011; pp.1).

            Now, to fully answer the question, we first take into consideration what was mentioned in the definition of flirting, that it considers the intention. At one level, you can flirt with more or less anyone – a flirting for fun. An exchange of admiring glances or a bit of light-hearted flirtatious banter can brighten the day, raise self-esteem and strengthen social bonds. Flirtation at this level is harmless fun, and only stuffiest killjoys could possibly have any objections.

Clearly, it makes sense to exercise a degree of caution with people who are married or attached. Most people in long-term relationships can cope with a bit of admiration, and may even benefit from knowing that others find them or their partners attractive, but couples differ in their tolerance of flirtatious behavior, and it is important to be alert to signs of discomfort or distress because this could lead to society’s disapproval; thus making your flirting act to be perceived as immoral.

Research has also shown that men have a tendency to mistake friendly behavior for sexual flirting. This is not because they are stupid or deluded, but because they tend to see the world in more sexual terms than women. There is also evidence to suggest that women are naturally more socially skilled than men, better at interpreting people’s behavior and responding appropriately. This means that women need to be particularly careful to avoid sending ambiguous signals in interactions with married men, and men need to be aware that married/attached males may misinterpret friendly behavior towards their wives/girlfriends. If they will not, this could possibly lead to immoral actions.

At another level, where it is not just flirting for fun but rather flirting with intent, flirting per se serves here as an essential element of the mate-selection process. We flirt with the intent of assessing potential lifetime partners. However, there is a need here to be more selective about your choice of target, your behavior (Fox, 2011; pp.4), the places your flirt with and other factors to be taken into consideration, lest you found yourself judged by society as immoral.

One can also say that his or her intention for flirting is ‘it can be a liberating form of play, a game with suspense and ambiguities that brings joy of its own’. There is a playful manner, as what have been said also in the definition. Some flirters appear to want to prolong the interaction because it is pleasurable and erotic in its own right, regardless of where it might lead. We sometimes fantasize of flirtation turning into something more. This is even worse. The intention of flirting here clearly becomes to have easy, no-strings-attached sex (The New Flirting Game; Psychology Today). Is this morally right – to engage in sex before marriage?

Take a look at the sample story from the Book Wagas entitled “Playmates” by Mitzie Ann Mercado. The characters only met that very same day and walked through the park yet here is what happened next:

When the sun had set without so much as a glance, maybe he remembered why we met. Or maybe, I had exhausted all of my life stories. It’s funny how I could summarize my life in just one day. His hand on my waist was no longer tickling me. It began caressing my back, my hips, and it’s climbing upward. He blew light kisses on my neck, behind my ears. I started to pant as his hand drew circles on my belly. His lips traced my jaw, searching for my lips as his hand reached my breasts underneath the cardigan. I could hear the music from the aerobics class nearby, the ice cream bells, the children playing in the playground behind the bushes.

But darkness made us bolder. His hand was already inside my skirt and his finger probed between my legs. My lips missed his as I arched my neck upward, gasping. His finger is within me and down there, I felt myself tightening around it. He’s looking at me directly, daring me more. His fingers became more insistent. He was biting his lower lip. I fought the urge not to crush it on mine. I could feel the world spinning. I held on to his nape and raked his hair. He tried to kiss me on the lips but I buried my face on his chest as I grew breathless. I closed my eyes and as his finger dug deeper, I recalled our whole time together (Caslib, Ruizo, 2012; pp. 76)

They have been engaged in sex. This is thus morally wrong and biblically established as wrong too. What is sinful here is they act lasciviously attending to the desires of their flesh, even if instinctively, they both know that the act is wrong.

Thus, flirting in its intention and playfulness manner should take into consideration the right places of flirting, right persons to flirt with, and right way to flirt, not involving SEX in the case. Sex is sacred and is a gift from God for us to multiply and replenish the earth, not to fulfill our fleshly desires.

            In the end, flirting is truly a question of morality, whether in descriptive or normative sense. Our behavior as we exist in society are always and must be based on a general moral law, may it be written or unwritten. Besides, we instinctively have the capability to reason out for ourselves what is wrong and right. We have our common sense to decide whether to do something or abstain from it. Flirting involves morality in the sense that it concerns man’s proper behavior in a group or society he or she belongs to.  However, we are not concluding that flirting is always judged as morally wrong. To flirt professionally as part of mate-selection process, just as how the civilization before worked with it, can be said to be morally right.